Written on My Heart Page 16

  I frown. “What does that even mean?”

  She glances over her shoulder before reaching inside her purse and withdrawing a bank envelope. She slides it across the table. “It’s not much, but it will buy you a ticket to Atlanta.”

  I stare at the envelope, afraid to touch it. Charles keeps obsessive watch over the bank accounts. If Mom withdrew any money, he’ll find out, and there will be hell to pay—especially if he finds out the money is for me.

  “Don’t worry.” Mom slides the envelope closer. “I’ve been tucking this cash away for awhile. He doesn’t know about it.”

  “Why Atlanta?”

  Mom turns away from me, her eyes focused on something distant in the parking lot. “I’ve been talking to your Aunt Linda ever since you left.”

  Got kicked out, I want to scream. Instead, I press my lips together so hard my teeth bite into my skin.

  Mom fidgets in her chair before continuing. “Aunt Linda says you can live with her—in Atlanta—for as long as you need. She’s happy to have you and, if you agree to take some college courses, she won’t even charge you rent. You can start over.”

  Start over.

  The words tumble through my head like jagged stones. All I’ve wanted my entire life was a way out, a chance to start my life over. And now, my ticket is quite literally in front of me. Still, I’m hesitant to take it. I’m finally at a point where things are falling into place for me. I have a good job, a friend, a dog, time to write, and an apartment all of my own.

  And Lane.

  I brush the thought aside. Lane made it perfectly clear what we had was only for the night. Even if Lane and I were together, I’d have to be pretty stupid to throw away this perfectly good opportunity for a guy I barely know—one who is sure to hurt me like all the guys before.

  “Take the money, Ashlyn.”

  I glance up from the envelope to find my mom watching me. “There’s nothing for you here.”

  Her words bite into my heart with razor-edged teeth. Is she right? Aunt Linda’s always been nice to me. I’m sure we’d get along. Maybe I can even talk her into letting me bring Hank. Sure, I’d be leaving Emily behind, but maybe I’d make more friends. And it would be nice to go to school and not worry about bills. I curl my fingers around the envelope and slide it toward me.

  But what about Lane?

  I shake my head, as if I can somehow push all thoughts of him from my mind. Lane doesn’t matter, I remind myself. He’s not mine.

  Mom clears her throat. “Aunt Linda’s having some renovations done to her house for the next couple of weeks, so she won’t be ready for you until the end of the month. Will you be okay on your own until then?”

  I nod.

  “I’m happy to hear that.” Mom grabs her purse and hikes the strap over her shoulder. “I really should get going. I told Charles I was making a quick run to the grocery store. I’ll have to pick up some things and get back before he gets suspicious.”

  His keeping track of her every move proves nothing’s changed.

  She stands to go. I want to stand, too, but a cold numbness seeping through my body keeps me locked into place.

  There’s nothing for you here. Her words echo in an endless loop inside my head. I really don’t know what I expected—for her to tell me she was leaving Charles and I was welcome to move back in with her? No. I know better. But to have her tell me in so many words that our relationship is nothing does more than sting. It shreds my heart like a cheese grater. It’s bad enough she didn’t do a thing as my stepdad threw me out of the house, but she had to contact me again and make a point of choosing him over me all over again.

  Just when I think I can finally begin to heal, she finds another way to break me.

  “Oh.” Mom pauses. “I found a few of your things when I was cleaning out the attic last weekend. Just some old stuffed animals and a few yearbooks. I hid them for now but I think it’s safer if I send them to you before…”

  They get burned, like the rest of my stuff?

  Of course, Mom doesn’t say this. She licks her lips. “Anyway, if you give me your address, I’ll put them in the mail for you so you can take them with you to Atlanta.” She pulls out her phone. “Where can I ship them?”

  I don’t want to give her my address. I’ve given her enough of myself today. Still, the temptation of getting a few of my childhood belongings back is too great to resist. I mumble the address quickly before I can change my mind. “Four-seventy-five Sixth Street. Don’t use it for anything else but sending me my stuff.”

  Mom nods, her eyes meeting mine. We’re done. We’re both silent as the finality passes between us, a feeling so uncomfortable I shiver to get it off my shoulders.

  She turns and heads for her car. In a way, that’s fitting. Because, really, when a relationship is done, so are the words.

  It’s the broken pieces that stay behind.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Lane

  My last client of the night left hours ago, and yet I can’t bring myself to go home. I pretend I need to place orders and file receipts, but I can’t lie to myself. I have more than enough ink and needles to get through the end of the month. It’s not until I hear the door to the upstairs apartment creak open above me, followed by the sound of footsteps, that my muscles unwind from tense knots I hadn’t realized I carried.

  She came home.

  I sweep my hand through my hair, aggravated for caring at all. It’s bad enough I woke in a panic when I discovered Ash missing from my arms this morning. It resurfaced the memory of the day I came home from work to discover Harper, face red and swollen from crying, strapped in her car seat, alone in that very apartment for God knows how long. All of her mother’s belongings were gone with nothing but a note left in their place. A note with only two hastily scribbled words:

  I can’t.

  As a high school dropout, barely seventeen and working fulltime, I was fairly certain I couldn’t either. Only, from the moment I first saw my daughter, and I fell in love with everything from her long, dark lashes to her tiny, curled fists, I knew I owed it to her to try.

  Harper’s mother leaving really came as no big surprise. After all, we only moved in together because her parents kicked her out when they found out she was pregnant. We had nothing in common other than a few drunken moments alone in a closet, which would forever link us together. I only hope wherever she is, she’s happy. She may not have been the love of my life, but Crystal gave me someone who I’ll love for a lifetime.

  And that’s enough.

  Or, at least I thought so until I find myself locking the shop doors and climbing the steps to the apartment above. Because the second she arrived home, I had to see her. I don’t even have an excuse ready tonight—no leaky faucet to fix or air filter to change. With my fist raised to knock against her door, I stop myself and ram my hands into the back pockets of my jeans.

  Just what the hell am I doing? Ash and I have an understanding: we only had one night, and now it’s over. I get that. If only the rest of my body would get the message.

  Sure, I can try to pass it off as desire, because, damn, every cell in my body craves that girl. But it’s more than that. If all I wanted was a good fuck, I got it. So why am I back for more? Why am I almost crazy with the need to throw her door open, take her in my arms, and kiss her like I did last night? I could lie and say I feel some sort of obligation to take care of her, to watch over her like I do my sister. But the hard truth settles into my stomach like a block of lead. With Ash, I don’t want to protect her out of obligation or sense of duty. With Ash, I want to take care of her, protect her, because the thought of anything happening to her wrenches something deep inside my core.

  I care about her. More than I should.

  Fuck. When the hell did that even happen?

  The realization startles me so much, I turn to walk back down the stairs. Behind me I hear the door open.

  “Lane?”

  Damn it.

  Slowly, I
turn to find Ash standing outside the door with Hank’s leash in hand. Her hair is pulled back and the fabric of her shirt is so worn I can see the outline of her body beneath—a body I became all too familiar with last night. Desire coils around me as the memory resurfaces.

  The puppy lets out a yip, pulling me from my thoughts. He strains against the leash, tail wagging, in an attempt to get to me. “Hey. I thought I’d stop by and…” My brain spins, searching for something that won’t make me look like a pathetic stalker loser. “Check on Hank. I wasn’t sure you were home from work yet.” The lie sounds forced, even to me. I lean over to give his ear a scratch, which starts him into a licking frenzy.

  “Oh.” It could be me, but I swear there’s a hint of disappointment in her voice. “I was just about to walk him.” She’s quiet for a minute while I fend off Hank and his tongue. “Do you want to come with us?”

  It’s not a good idea. The more time I spend with her, the more embedded in my head she becomes. Still, I nod. No matter how badly I want to, I just can’t refuse her. Besides, it’s late, and I don’t like the idea of her wandering the dark streets alone.

  She gives me a hint of a smile, and something inside me constricts. It’s then I realize I’m completely ensnared by her, and that really puts me in a bad situation. I’ve done nothing these past years but devote myself to one girl and one girl alone. Didn’t I promise Harper I wouldn’t let anyone come between us? That I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her and run out on us again?

  Ash walks past me and I inhale her dizzying aroma of apples and coffee. My arms strain with desire to reach for her. Now that I know what it’s like to have her curled beside me, head on my chest, I ache to have that closeness again. She’s only a couple of feet ahead of me but it’s too much. I quicken my pace to close the distance, and it’s a good thing I do. When Ash reaches the bottom step, Hank surges ahead and yanks her off her feet. I grab her arm, steadying her before she can fall.

  She looks up at me, large blue eyes blinking in surprise. “Thanks.”

  I nod and loosen my grip on her elbow, but find myself unable to let go. Instead, I slide my hand to her wrist and pause. “Is this okay?” Before I explain, I weave my fingers through hers.

  Her eyes widen, and her voice is soft when she answers. “What happened to just one night?” Still, she doesn’t let go, and I tighten my hold, the heat of our palms melting us together.

  We start down the sidewalk hand in hand. I can’t remember the last time I held hands with a girl who wasn’t in grade school. I have to admit, it’s nice—actually, better than nice. It feels right in a way nothing else has until now. Even the fucking hot sex from the night before. With Ash’s hand in mine, I feel…complete. And I’m not ready to give that up.

  “What if it’s not just one night?” I ask.

  Hank stops to sniff a light pole and Ash lurches to a halt beside him. “What?”

  Shit. That wasn’t exactly the reaction I was hoping for. At least she doesn’t slide her fingers free from mine. “Would that be so bad? If we saw more of each other?”

  She frowns at me. “Are you looking for a nightly booty call or something? Because, despite last night, I’m not that kind of girl.”

  “What? No!” I give her hand a tug and draw her to me. She braces a palm against my chest and sparks ignite beneath my skin where she touches. “Ash, I wasn’t talking about sex. I’m talking about…hell, I don’t really know. Going out. Getting to know each other better. Dating.”

  Her eyes widen, pools of blue so deep I can almost feel myself falling into them and drowning. “But what about…” She swallows hard, and her gaze drifts to the name tattooed below my collarbone.

  Harper.

  I realize now is the moment to tell Ash about my daughter. But first, there’s something I need to know. “Ash, my relationship with Harper isn’t what you think.”

  She frowns at me and I find myself sweeping an arm behind her back, pulling her closer. “I don’t know what that means,” she says.

  “I know. And I want to explain it to you. But first I need to know you’re not going anywhere. We’ve—” I shake my head. “I mean I have been run out on before. I guess that’s why I’ve kept women at a distance. But the more time I spend with you, the harder it’s becoming for me to let you go—and I don’t want to let you go. I just need to know you’re not going to run away.”

  Her gaze drifts to the puppy tugging at the end of the leash. “God, Lane, I—” She blinks, and tears well heavy on her eyelashes.

  Seeing them, my stomach winds into a painful knot, and I release her hand. I know whatever she says next, I’m not going to like.

  Ash turns away from me and allows Hank to lead her down the sidewalk. I follow a half step behind. “My mom visited me today,” she says without looking at me. “She says my aunt offered to let me live with her in Atlanta, rent free, so I can go to school.”

  Her words hit me like a punch in the gut, and I inhale sharply. Anger follows the pain, clawing through my chest. Though it’s not Ash I’m mad at, but me, for allowing myself to be put in such a vulnerable position. God, I’m such a fucking idiot. At least I found this out before I got Harper involved.

  “You’re leaving.” Miraculously, the words come out flat, without emotion.

  She ducks her head. “I don’t know. I have every reason to leave, but only one to stay.” Her eyes flick to mine before she quickly looks away. “And I didn’t even think you were a reason up until a couple of minutes ago. You made it plenty clear what happened between us was only for the night.” She stares at me, as if waiting for me to argue, and I want to—God, how I want to—but how can I put up a fight when I feel as if my heart’s just been torn out?

  “Right.” I rake my fingers through my hair. At least we know where we stand. And if she leaves, maybe that’s for the best. If she moves several states away, it’ll be a clean break, no accidental run-ins at the grocery store or the gas station. Gradually she’ll fade from my mind and it’ll be like we never met. I can cover her mark on my heart like I did the tattoo on her arm.

  I force a smile to my face. “I guess I just really suck at one-night stands.”

  She opens her mouth to say something, but apparently changes her mind. An awkwardness hangs between us, heavy and thick. We both turn to Hank to find him sitting, watching us expectantly. Apparently, his business outside is done.

  She gives the leash a gentle tug and turns back toward the apartment. I don’t want to follow, but I can’t help myself. “How long?”

  She sighs and gives a half shrug. “A week. Maybe two. I want to thank you for giving me a place to stay. I promise I’ll pay you back for whatever rent I owe.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t want your money. I only want… ” You, I think, but I’m not man enough to voice the word out loud. She cocks her head, waiting for an answer, so I give her one. “More time,” I finish.

  She rolls her eyes. “Come on. You and I both know this could never go anywhere. We had an amazing night. Why tempt fate by asking for more?” She looks up at me. “Maybe it’s better this way—that things end now before they go any further. I mean, I’m a fucking disaster. You don’t need me in your life.”

  She’s not telling me anything I haven’t already told myself. Still, I can’t stay away, no matter how hard I try. There’s her beauty. The soft gentleness of her. They way she made Harper feel better when I was unable. Then there’s the feel of her bare skin against mine and the softness of her lips and even the taste of her—these are drugs I can’t quit. Even now my body aches to close the distance between us. Because I can’t stand not touching her, I reach out and brush a strand of hair behind her shoulder. “My past hasn’t exactly been a picnic, either.”

  She grins. “See, we’re a nuclear bomb waiting to go off. Continuing… whatever this is would be a huge mistake.”

  “Huge,” I echo. Still, I’m haunted by the way she felt in my arms last night, and the weight of her head against my chest as sh
e slept. For a moment, she was well and truly mine, and nothing has ever felt more right.

  Heat stirs inside me and I grab her arms, pulling her slowly toward me. She comes willingly, biting her lip as she cranes her neck to stare up at me. I trace my thumb along her shoulders, up the curve of her neck to her jaw.

  She shivers beneath my touch. “Lane. I thought we agreed this is a mistake.”

  I curl my fingers into her hair. “For the last ten years, I’ve worked my ass off to provide for my family. I’ve sacrificed everything to make sure they were happy and had what they needed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it and I’d do it all again in a minute. But during that time, I forgot what it was to want something for myself. That is, until I met you, Ashlyn. I want you. Even if only for a short while longer.”

  She pauses before sliding her hands along my chest and wrapping her arms around my neck. “If we do this, it’s only going to make my leaving that much worse.”

  She’s right. A small voice begs me to listen, but in this moment, nothing short of the end of the world can make me let go of her. I gave up everything to provide for Harper—and I was glad to do it. I had dreams of going to college, of becoming a cop like the old man. But those dreams were flimsy and easy to lose. Not Ash. I wasn’t lying when I said I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want her.

  And I’ll hold on for as long as I can.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Ashlyn

  I walk inside my apartment, unhook Hank from his leash, and grab the plastic bin where I keep his food. Everything about Lane feels like a dream, and I’m scared if I turn around he won’t really be there. But when I walk across the kitchen to Hank’s bowl, Lane’s leaning against the door, watching me with a hunger that has nothing to do with appetite.

  Relief unwinds the tight band around my chest. Stupid, because I know it would be better if I just ended things with Lane. Still, I’m not ready to let him go.